So a man walk up to me an ‘im say
That do fearing that he die today
And never had done a good ting in his life
He will give me all the money him has
In his wallet
And it would be a blessing to him
For me to take it
And for me to eat well with it
Or to drink a hot coffee on dis a cold day.
Then he look at me with a serious look
On him face and him say
that I not to use it to buy drugs
Or to buy drink to get me drunk
For a shame meself and by that
Shame him too.
And he tell me that he have done
Nothing good deed in his life
And he has family that he never
Has spoken to in a long time
And that when they did last talk
It was all hot words with them high talk
To each other and it spin out of control
Until now none of dem talk and none of dem remember the subject
But nothing else but the high talk for more
Than five years with no slips.
Water pass under the bridge
Plus he no longer has a name for
Where they all live or even if they live.
And he say to me this happen over nothing
But stupidity and big pride of himself and one another
Of his others.
And then he looks at me all sad and says
For his god to bless me and he hope I keep warm.
I say to im I never have the want of drugs and I don’t
Do getting drunk because I sit here and wait
All my time
For enough to eat and nothing more.
So then he makes this kind of unhappy face and says
Sure he believes me and just goes off
Like a smell chase him away quick.
And I look and he has put to me $10
In my hand
Which I think is a poor likkle amount to carry out
If you think you are thinking you might die
Without a good deed to your name
When the time is up.

I remember going to England.  A few days before, it became absolutely impossible to think about anything.   It was good I started my packing a couple of weeks in advance, really, or I’d just be taking my handbag.   The thing about good stress, though, is that you know something really good is at the end of the stressful part.   The opposite is true when you’re in a not-so-good situation and you’re just not sure what the end result will be.

I find the only way to get out of ruminating on something is to do something else that requires thought, to take my mind off it.   Of course, the whole trick to this is pushing yourself to do anything at all, instead of sit around and worry.

I have tried to think of people who must be going through worse situations.  The problem is that I can’t do anything to help those people either.   So a feeling of helplessness still goes on.

What do you do to take your mind off overly stressful situations?

I had another helpful discussion with my husband last night before trying to go to sleep.  His undying support and understanding is amazing.  This is definitely what marriage should be like.

Afterward, I had a difficult time, still, getting to sleep, so I thought about my grandparents being there with me.   My grandparents lived in Illinois while I lived in Nebraska.   Every year, we went to Illinois to see them (it was a 10 hour drive) and it was wonderful to be able to see them.    Being able to feel they are with me sometimes helps a lot.

When I have a hard time going to sleep, I envision their house, too… walking in and noticing each room in detail.   Green shag carpet… white curtains, where my grandpa’s rocking chair was, and where the butterscotch candy dish sat by the couch.. Everything about it.

It’s my brain comfort food.  

The stress is coming from an external source and hopefully it will be resolved this week.

I’m praying for compassion this week … just a little. I know it’s possible.

Over the weekend, some unexpected paperwork arrived. We were in a state of disbelief, but we cannot really explain more than that. We visited with a professional today and she made us feel better and gave us options for moving forward intelligently. This has saved us from mental breakdowns, I think. It was good of the professional to spend 2 hours talking to us, gratis, we are pretty sure.

Tomorrow, we are accomplishing some things on our list of must-do’s. It is a good to not feel lost, really.

In Nebraska, when we go to the grocer, we have a selection of fish. Catfish. Swai. Some sort of icky whitefish. Nothing worth eating. The salmon is likely good, but if you really want good, good fish, you have to make a special trip to the fish monger.

We watched a movie on Amazon (can’t remember what) and then we watched part of the festivities in New York City. I began wondering… why is the calendar changing to the New Year party-worthy? I don’t mean to be depressing at all. It’s just that every new year is full of its own challenges. I’ve had some pretty major challenges in the last year; some of them pretty amazing, some of them incomprehensible.

So if every year continues to have its own challenges, I suppose that it’s realizing that you’ve made it through the old year’s challenges or enjoyed the gifts of the previous year, and you’re moving into the unknown, where it can be good or bad; happy or heartbreaking, but hopefully mostly joyful.

Maybe it’s the feeling of comfort of the moment; being in a happy place, with a roof over our heads, access to all of the requirements to live on… plus something more.  And if we’ve started the New Year off in a horrid place, there is always hope for a better tomorrow.

Maybe that is the point.

And getting to see LMFAO performing in Times Square.

I am waving “so-long” to the challenges of 2011 and saying, “Bring on more great things” to 2012.

Happy New Year!

After dropping Brit off at our friends’ house, we went to eat.    Ian was able to pronounce the french words for the food dishes we chose, which I think impressed the wait staff.

The food was lovely.   I had Coquilles Saint Jacques et Crevettes and Ian had Cassoulet de Canard Confit.   For dessert, it was Creme Brulee, which I’d never had before.  Actually, I don’t recall ever eating french food, outside of escargots, at all.    It was really good food and the dinner was quite special, because I was with Ian.  :)

It is difficult to believe that it’s been two years since we were married; it seems like just yesterday.   There have been many happy moments since we met.  I’m looking forward to many more.  <3